Blessed.

To try to sum up what exactly the past few weeks have meant to me would be impossible, but I will attempt. I returned (for the second time) to Trinidad a few weeks ago. I had almost decided not to return (and was planning on going to Africa instead), but through a series of events ended up going back to Trinidad (thank You God). I knew Trinidad would be different this year b/c I am different this year. My walk w/God is ALOT more intense and I am ALOT more IN LOVE w/Him than before (there is no sweeter love than His). The team was smaller, but as always put together by God. So many of the people I met there last year remembered me (and I remembered them too!), honestly it was like coming home to family, I got so much LOVE there, constant, I cried when I left, and cried when I got back to the States. If my parents would have sent some of my things, I would have stayed there-no joke. People say to find one mission trip you love and return there every year-well this is it for me-Trinidad every single year (and maybe in between!), I can't stand the thought of seeing them only once a year :o(. Missions aren't for everyone, I know, but I do think everyone should experience at least one trip in their lifetime, yeah we've got out work cut out for us here, but honestly it's just so AWESOME to experience one week a year of living in another culture, eating their food, meeting their people, seeing their land, and best of all worshipping the SAME God WITH them-no words!!! I LOVE Trinidad, I was CRAZY not to want to go back-good thing God has control over my crazy head!!!

Top 5 things I am currently looking forward to:

1.) Signing a lease w/my new roomie (and friend!) Angela on Wednesday morning!

2.) Summer semester of school ENDING on Monday the 28th!!!

3.) Having a Trini reunion dinner on Aug 4th at Outback-yummm-Donnie's excited :o)

4.) Volunteering for the Leadership Summit on August 7th and 8th-I had a blast last year!

5.) Going to see Journey w/a bunch of AWESOME friends (new and old ;o)) on Aug 10th! Tailgating!!! (just kidding!)

God You rock and You're AWESOME and You're my world, thanks for knocking me down a few pegs when I need it, and help me to continue to TRUST You in all I do! Love, Your daughter

God's ultimate plan is far beyond our imaginings as the oak tree is from the acorn's imaginings. The acorn does what it was made to do, without pestering its Maker with questions about when and how and why. We who have been given an intelligence and a will and a whole range of wants that can be set against the divine Pattern for Good are asked to believe Him. We are given the chance to trust Him when He says to us, "...If any man will let himself be lost for my sake, he will find his true self."
When will we find it? we ask. The answer is, Trust Me.
How will we find it? The answer again is, Trust Me.
Why must I let myself be lost? we persist. The answer is, Look at the acorn and Trust Me.

~Elisabeth Elliot

Meditate.

This song ROCKS, read the words as you listen to it.


I'm lost and broken, all alone on this road
The wheels keep turnin', but the feelin' is gone
When I fear I'm on my own
You remind me I am not alone
When You said

[chorus]
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
For you alone
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen in fear
Then you say, "My child, my child -
I am always here, I'm by your side"

[chorus]

You're never too far down
I promise you'll be found
I'll reach into the mud and mirely clay
Pursue you to the end
Like a faithful friend
Nothing in this world can keep me away

[chorus]

~Audio Adrenaline

Tents.

Lately I've been struggling alot, it's not very noticeable to most people-it's internal. I think that there are things in life that we think we can fix on our own, the "easy" things, things that aren't really "deep" issues. But if you really think about it alot of the "easy" things that we have issues with are a result of the "deeper" things. My own example is a deep seeded need for attention, the need to work out, tan, buy cute clothes, do stuff to my face and hair, etc. When I feel like maybe I have too much self going on, I often think-oh that's easy, I just won't work out as much, I won't worry so much about what I wear or how my hair looks, but that's a lie b/c what needs to change is not all of those "easy" things, it's the deeper need for attention and that void can only be filled by One thing.

I believe God is the only thing in life capable of changing someone, if you're a Christian I'm sure you've seen prime examples of lives that have been transformed through His amazing Grace. It's not easy digging the dirt out of your life, it's not easy to be obedient and allow God to change the things that need to change, gosh I wish sometimes that I could just KNOW what He has in store for those who love Him, what amazing things He has planned for my life if I would just give in to His ways, be obedient. I've always told my friends as well as myself that you can TRULY know for a fact if God is in something if that thing (or person for that matter) makes you want to get closer to Jesus, if it (or they) don't...well. It's actually pretty simple if you think about it,just like I read in another blog recently "having a lot of "me" time tends to make me more self-centered, not less". That was awesome to me b/c I am the type of person that enjoys alot of "me" time, and I think that it's important, but I also think that it really allows you to focus too much on yourself, on the problems or issues you have, and then the self-pity sinks in.

I recently read 1 Chronicles 17, and it spoke to me like this: David is concerned about building a house for the ark of the covenant, but God tells Nathan to tell David that He took him from a pasture to be a ruler, that He made all of his enemies go away, and that He is going to make David's name one of the greatest in the world, God said He was ok moving from "tent to tent", not only does God tell David not to be concerned about building the house but He promises David that when David is old He will build David a house (stay with me) and will make David's children great as well. I loved this b/c to me it means that God is the One who initiates greatness in us, God is the One who cares for us through change after change in life, He doesn't ask that we concern ourselves w/what He is doing, but that we just be obedient to it from "tent to tent" He is w/us, and is building us a "house" where we will live w/Him forever. He promises that.

That's why I know that I will be able to overcome these "deep" issues, things that God points out in me that need to change, but I have to understand that He is the One to do it in His timing and that there is nothing I can do in my own power to produce this amazing change. I have alot to learn, alot of growing to do, but I'm going to grow in Him, I am going to seek and accomplish His will for my life, there are thing and feelings I don't understand, questions I would love to have answered, but I know that if I am going through it, then I can also handle it-another of His promises :o) I have so much love to give and I look forward every single day on pouring it out on people. Just keeping my eyes on Him and trying hard not to think on everything else.

"Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my family, that You have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in Your sight, O God, You have spoken to me of the house of Your servant. You have looked on me as if I were the most exalted of men, O Lord God."
"There is no One like You, O Lord, and there is no God but You."
~1 Chronicles 17:16-17,20

Marmy.

Why is it that it's 12:19am and I am writing a stupid blog instead of spending time w/my Jesus??? I've been like this lately-staying up til 1:00 in the morning and wondering why I can't get up when my alarm goes off and I end up hitting it like 10 times...I don't know. There is much to do in my life, but I've had such a procrastinating attitude-it makes me sick, I've been praying about it. Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid, w/nothing better to do than sit in a martini glass...:o)

Yes.

My pastor rocked this morning! I know at the 9:30am service it was dead silent, so you know there was some good preachin' goin on! Plus our worship leader wrote (yet another) amazing song, my friend went to the 11:15 service and she said people were crying everywhere-perfect. Listen to our current series! And keep checking back for today's message. Mike you're awesome!

http://gethope-ministries.net/podcasts/

I am leaving for Trinidad in a week, I have tons to do before then and have been eating WAY too much sushi, every time a friend wants to go to dinner-they always suggest sushi and I can't say no to that! I am going to see fireworks tonite at the YMCA-fireworks are awesome. Please pray for my missions trip! God has REALLY been moving in my life lately, at work, at school, at the gym, even on vacation (the pic above is from our "sister trip"-we went to Medievel Times-it was great!), so I'm excited to see what He'll do in Trini!!!

Read.

Read Joshua's latest post (the "things that don't make sense" one), it's good and it makes sense.
http://www.joshharris.com/

Coldplay.

The new Coldplay CD rocks-FYI. Love it. I am having an AMAZING friday evening. I went to dinner w/the roomie at Mellow Mushroom and then proceeded to use almost an entire bottle of Resolve on a stain that has been on our living room floor for about 2 months, it went like this-I squeezed a grapefruit into a bowl and then sat it on the arm of our couch to drink while watching TV-I sat down and it flipped into the air and landed face down (grapefruit chunks and all) on the carpet, well it had been a long day at work and so instead of cleaning it up right away-I placed a towel over it. Well...after it had dried somewhat I removed the large chunks of grapefruit, but left the juice...two months later it turned black (roomie was NOT happy) uh oh. So this evening I sprayed it for a long time, and it worked! Roomie took a pic of my courageous endeavor and I wanted to share. Peace and love to all.

Perry.

Hola! I have NO time lately!!! I don't even think many of my bloggy friends are blogging much this summer, I know for the past two posts I have copied and pasted other peoples thoughts, but they were awesome and I wanted to share. I can't believe it's already almost the end of June! Where does time go? I just started my program this summer and the class I'm taking is not the most interesting, but it is laying the foundation for all of the other hands on (the fun) stuff I will be learning. My two jobs rock-point blank, I am humbled and honored to say that I adore both of my managers and the "work" that I do. I have been purposely trying to spend more time w/other people-all my long lost friends, and just friends I see all the time that I want to spend time w/me, but I make up lame excuses like: I'm too tired, could be doing other things, don't want to spend (GAS) money, need to exercise, need to be studying...all lame excuses for neglecting other people.

Anyway, this weekend I am taking my (3) sisters to Myrtle Beach (pray for us), it is the first time we will all be able to spend time together on a vacation (w/out our parents or brother), b/c the youngest is now old enough to hang w/us and I am now "well-behaved" enough for my Mom to trust me w/her and I am stoked-no offense to my bro, but this is a girl thing :o).

I will also be leaving to return to Trinidad on July 5th, so prayers for that would be awesome, we have a great team and since I went last year, I am better prepared for what's to come and am so excited to see all those kids ;o).

As for the title of this blog, I never actually read other peoples blogs on a daily basis, even people that I have linked on my own, so I decided to read a bit tonite and went to Perry Noble's blog. I was so blessed to have seen him preach (for a whole 30 min) a few weeks ago and I just think he's an amazing guy-here is what I want you guys to read, the link below is a part of his blog dedicated to his (new) daughter Charisse, read all of this blog, especially the sermons entitled "7 things I think you should know (message to Charisse), I loved them and totally agree w/them, enjoy! http://www.perrynoble.com/category/baby-noble/

Waiting.

God often requires that you wait on Him. This is not because God cannot keep up with you or that He does not know what to do next. God is interested in a love relationship with you. Your waiting on Him develops your absolute dependence on Him. Your waiting on Him assures that you will act on HIS timing and not your own.

You may think of waiting on Him as a passive, inactive time. Waiting on the Lord is anything but inactive. While you wait on Him, you will be praying with a passion to know Him, His purposes, and His ways. You will be watching circumstances and asking God to interpret them by revealing to you His perspective.

While you wait, continue doing the last thing God told you to do. In waiting, you are shifting the responsibility of the outcome to God -- where it belongs. Waiting on Him is always worth the wait. His timing and His ways are always right. You must depend on HIM to guide you in His way and in His timing to accomplish His purpose.

-Henry T. Blackaby

Dying.

When you are forgotten or neglected or purposely set at naught,and you do not sting and hurt

at the oversight,but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ;

that is dying to self.

When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed,your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed,and you refuse to let anger rise in your heartor even defend yourself, but take all in patient loving silence;

that is dying to self.

When you quietly forbear any disorder, any irregularity,any impunctuality, or any annoyance;when you can stand face to face with waste, folly,extravagance, spiritual insensibility and endure it as Jesus endured it;

that is dying to self.

When you are content with any food, any offering, any raiment,any climate, any society, any solitude, any interruption by the will of God;

that is dying to self.

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation,or to record your own good works, or itch after commendation;when you can truly love to be unknown,

that is dying to self.

When you can receive correction and reproof from oneof less stature than yourself and can humbly submit inwardlyas well as outwardly, finding no rebellion orresentment rising up within your heart,

that is dying to self.

~Unknown (maybe for a good reason) Blessings :o)

Run.

Last night I dreamed that I had to perform with CVP (Carolina Visual Productions)-one of my former dance companies and I didn’t know my drill (position) or work-I was completely unprepared and it terrified me (kind of like when I showed up to class last week having done NONE of my homework and everyone else had). I hadn’t practiced or trained like all the others. I was so glad when I woke up and realized that I didn’t have to perform-I said, “thank You God that I don’t have to perform!” But then I realized that I do, that being a Christian does mean that you have to perform for Christ (telling others about Him), it does mean that you have to train-study, “equip yourself” w/the knowledge of Him and from Him (BIBLE) and then LIVE it daily (as an example of Christ to others).

Last night I also went running for 45 min (at 9:30pm to avoid heat stroke), but it was still really hot and I had to stop and “power walk” (walk really fast) several times b/c I’m not properly conditioned to run the entire time (yet), but I did a lot better than I usually do b/c I have been taking a couple tough classes at my gym AND I got new running shoes!-they cost a lot but they’re worth it. I think that’s why Paul compared being an example of Christ to “running a race” (Hebrews 12 & Philippians 3)- you have to train and study and it will cost you something, but it will be SO worth it when you can say, “ok Lord I will never be able to do it completely right, but I’m ready to perform.”

Run Forrest run…

What?

The Holy Spirit told you to what?



So I'm on Youtube too much, but came across this guy, I guess he's a preacher-Todd Bentley-at a Revival he was doing, he kindof freaked me out, the whole:

"The Holy Spirit spoke to me ... He said, 'kick her in the face ... with your biker boot.'"

I felt bad b/c I actually laughed watching it...

Wind.

I think I may know what You need from me
but I'm scared I won't win the war in my head
I asked, "will it be worth it?"
this resulted in chills-thank goodness
if you can thank goodness
I will never give up on You
You've promised SO much
It's hard sometimes for You to just be
REAL to me
so I keep on doing what I'm doing
You strengthen and push me forward
and when I need to be filled
which is quite a bit
I go out and sit down
and just stare at You
and I keep on staring
like I'll never stop
and realize life must go on
and then the phone starts ringing

~RlR

Constant.

Have you ever met someone that you really wanted to get to know, but for one reason or another never did? There have and are a few people in my life that I was (not so much anymore) eager and excited to get to know, yet time after time when I “approached” them or “crossed paths” w/them or had an opportunity to talk w/them, they would turn away, walk in the other direction or in my own interpretation-avoided me for whatever reason. I think I know why one person did and still does this-I think she feels guilty whenever she talks to me b/c of a certain situation in her life that she knows I don’t agree with, but that couldn’t be further from the truth-I love her, just as I love all my friends and will “pursue” her no matter how often she “ignores” me.

To be honest that’s how I think Jesus feels about us a lot of times. He yearns with all His heart for you to know Him, for you to talk to Him, for you to meet with Him b/c He created you and He knows that you will only experience your best possible life through Him. As many times as I have wanted to give up on these “tough” relationships, God never gives up on us. God never tires of relentlessly pursuing us-for all eternity. How can we and do we dare ignore that? Yet over and over we turn from Him, we walk the other way, we do the avoiding-just as He is about to speak. No wonder we so often say that He is silent.

We need to put forth our own effort in seeking Him as He seeks us, pursuing not only His Hand, but more importantly His Face. I’ve recently being exposed to so many awesome preachers and teachers-such blessings, I can’t even name them all, I’m still trying to let a lot of what they’ve said sink in. God is so good, He literally is ALL you need in life, I am realizing that more and more each day, as many of the “voids” I feel that I have in life-He fills. Man what an awesome God we serve. I will continue being obedient to Him and thankful. Thankful for the amazing family I have and friends that He has blessed me with, I love them so much and never take them for granted.

“It is good to give thanks to the Lord, and to sing praises to Your name, O most High; to declare Your loving kindness in the morning, and Your faithfulness every night, on an instrument of ten strings, on the lute, and on the harp, with harmonious sound. For You, Lord have made me glad through Your work; I will triumph in the works of Your hands.”

~Psalms 92:1-4

Hmmm.

Two things...

The first, is that the mall I work at does something called "Concerts at the Commons", it's a free show and all the restaurants around us give out free things and our spa gives free chair massages! The bands this year are going to be awesome, this next friday (the 30th) "Who's Bad"-a Michael Jackson tribute band is playing, here is a link to more info on that: http://www.triangletowncenter.com/shop/triangle.nsf/sales_events
I mean what could be better than a free concert and a free massage? It's very family friendly too, lots of fun.

Second and most important is to pray for Steven Curtis Chapman, his 5 year old daughter was killed this past week, and my heart goes out to him and his family and friends: http://www.newsday.com/entertainment/music/ny-etcurtis0523,0,2146841.story?track=rss

Thanks for reading.

Good.

Here's a good blog a friend e-mailed me, watch the video I've linked it to, it's long, but touching-to say the least. All I have to say is God IS good all the time, He floors me w/His love and I can't thank Him enough. I am so undeserving.

http://withoutwax.tv/page/3/

Thoughts.

I want to address some things, but don’t even know where to start…first I just learned that I made a “C” in my anatomy class this semester, yes I know the saying “C’s get degrees”, but not in my book. Up until this semester I had a 4.0 in school. I knew anatomy would be hard this semester, so I took only that class-fully expecting to make an “A”, but I didn’t b/c I didn’t try. Yes, I am now out of anatomy, but I didn’t study the way I should have. I skated through this semester and really don’t even know how I passed the class (thank God for multiple choice). If you haven’t noticed by now-I am very hard on myself, always have been-as of late (the past couple years) weighing every decision carefully and judging how it may affect my future. I put some effort into this class, but not near enough, when did “just good enough” become ok in my book? Most of my friends just say that I don’t have enough time b/c I have 2 jobs and commitments at church (which are actually the most enjoyed parts of my week), but that’s crap in my opinion b/c I have always had to work through school and I always will-that’s just how the cookie crumbled in my world. Enough.

Onto the next: I wanted to discuss holding patterns and the immense benefits that they bring to your life. As God continues to reveal His many Faces to me-I am mesmerized by the One I’m currently viewing. There is a GREAT deal to be said about waiting-waiting to me is the best tool for growth and discipline, you were taught it as a child and God uses it still. In my own life, there are certain things that I would LOVE to take place, it’s just that I don’t know when. I don’t even pray for things to happen, I pray for things to happen according to God’s Will for my life and especially according to His timing. Let me give you a “for instance”-there was a study that was conducted w/3 year olds, they were each placed in a room by themselves and were told to sit in a chair, in front of them was a table w/a marshmallow on it. They were told if they waited to eat it for a certain # if minutes, they could have 2 marshmallows instead of the one. Most of them ate the marshmallow, but a few waited-when observing the ones who waited they noticed that these children did things to keep themselves busy-trying to keep their attention off the marshmallow. Here’s my point-if you think God is speaking to you about something in your life, and it’s not happening when you want it to or at all, it doesn’t mean that it’s not. It may just mean that He has something even better for you in the future, so stay busy w/what you have now, even if it’s right in front of you, it may not be “time to take it”. It is soooo about God’s timing, I can’t stress that enough.

Ok so the newest thing I’m learning is about being stretched. I believe God calls us EVERY single day to get out of our comfort zones, and it may be something simple-for instance-recently God has been speaking to me about picking up trash that I walk by randomly-at first I didn’t want to do this-especially at the mall I work at-I thought to myself “there are people who get paid to do that”, but the thought wouldn’t stop-so I do. You see, I believe God has to know He can trust us-even in the small things, and I believe God to use me for GREAT things, so I don’t want to disobey in the small. He has been very heavy on my lately and it’s awesome-it was so much to the point that on this past sat nite even before I left work at 6, He was like “you have a date tonite…with Me”-uh-oh. Ofcourse one of my friends calls and wants to go to dinner and I was like umm-I have a date w/God and she was like say no more, I’ll pray for you (that’s how awesome my friends are). Man it was good though-I need more dates like that! Ha! So much to learn…

Lastly I wanted to say how PROUD I am of my brother. He graduated from the Honor Guard in the air force this past Friday, only 48% of his class graduated, right now his job is holding the flags for very important people who have died (like people in the military), he will be at the presidential inauguration too-how cool is that? His sergeant was telling us a little of what the boys had to do through to graduate-it included running a total of 25 miles, 10 hours of standing motionless (stamina training), memorizing over 750 words of things like creeds and history, and 1,000’s of pushups-all this occurred w/in an 8 week period. He said they were up at 3:30 each morning for PT (physical training), and were only allowed to drink water during the 8 weeks, 3 times of “failing” at anything got you kicked out, he said one boy failed 3 days before graduation! Geez. Love you bro! (I can’t believe he’s only 21!)

I’m going to sleep, after I clean my kitchen-a tornado of mashed potatoes hit a few hours ago :o)


(We are all a little frazzled in this pic-up late playing "are you smarter than a fifth grader w/our aunt and uncle-(of which I was out on question two :o)) and the fact that the weather was less than pleasant (on our hair at least, Zach doesn't have that problem)

Mom.

Well, I’m sitting on my couch eating “buttery salt and cracked pepper” popcorn and watching Cast Away (yeah I will be here for awhile). My fam just left after a delicious lunch at Winston’s Grille and then we took my Mom to the mall so she could pick out some perfume for Mother’s Day (her gift from me). She chose “Blossom” by Calvin Klein-smells wonderful, my fav was “Bouquet” by Vera Wang, but I will wait until I have an extra $90 to spend on that, I’m not really big on perfume, I prefer more natural scents like coconut. I am so happy to just be able to sit here and watch TV w/out feeling guilty (like thinking I need to be studying or something). No school to worry about-nothing…wonderful.

I asked God to bring the sunshine out today for my Mom-He did, I might go for a walk in a little while. I have a busy couple weeks ahead of me-fun things to look forward to-a cookout w/the people who are going to Trinidad this July (that includes me!), a volunteer appreciation dinner-I might wear my old prom dress :o)-it’s like a “formal” theme, I am dragging a friend w/me and forcing her to wear hers too, and then the next week I start my program (occupational therapy) in school and I get to go to a Christian conference w/one of several awesome people in my life-I’m stoked.

I am excited about life, excited about what God has in store for me and excited to get one step closer to whatever that is, each and every day. There are a few issues w/in my family that need some prayer and I ask all who read this just to lift our family to God and allow Him to work those things out. Thank you! I hope all the mother’s out there had a fabulous mother’s day!

And Happy Mother's Day to YOU Mom-thank you for teaching me about Jesus (the greatest gift you could ever have given me) I love you.

Sad.

I'm annoyed right now. Although I have sooooo many things to look forward to-even this week, I am overwhelmed with all of it-yes, I am having a pity party-whatever. Tomorrow I have to go to my bosses house at (ahem) 5:25AM!!! and take him and his girlfriend to the airport-it's ok, I used to manage various Starbuck's and had to be there at 4:45Am (sick coffee addicts!), plus I assured him I didn't mind :o), then I have to leave from there-maybe go home and take a shower and go and pick up his girlfriend's kids to bring them to school by 7:30AM. After that I will definitely spend some time w/God (good things always happen early), which is something I have been wanting to do-getting up early and all to spend time with Him. I have also discovered new breakfast sandwiches at Panera-and they are scrumptious! so, maybe I'll go there, but then I will be in mass study mode until 3pm when I have my LAST class of this semester (hallelujah!), a final lab practical, lecture, and then an exam-which I have to miss Bible study for :o(, but I am missing thurs when the exam was supposed to be given b/c I am going to DC to see my bro graduate from the airforce-all in all, after tomorrow nite is over-I will be MUCH happier, hopefully my face won't still be on FIRE-like it is now-from my third intense "facial", I have looked like a rattlesnake for two weeks now, due to these acid peels-I wonder if I will have ANY skin left-hopefully I won't look like I'm 16, since I am already thought to look 19 quite often, but seriously my skin looks brand new-pretty crazy. People who have zero skin problems honestly don't know how good they have it, but hey now I can empathise w/those who do-thanks God! (I think), ok now I need to focus back on school 'ish. Let me think up a good quote.......


Ok, I got one:

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."
Preach!

~I don't know who thought this one up, but I heard it today and I liked it.

Love all ways.

Verse.

Sorry for the double postings, but here is the verse of the week for me:

"Where there is no vision, the people perish"-Proverbs 29:18

Yup. Anyone feel me?

Mary.

Have you ever heard an album or artist for the first time and loved them instantly? Well, it happened to me the other day, I heard this entire album (Mary Black) for the first time and LOVED every single song-which is rare, apparently she's been around for awhile-wish I'd known about her sooner, the album is called "Shine", but I'm sure the rest of them are just as awesome, go get it! Go on now!

Good.

Watch this:


if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all i’ll ever need
or is there more i’m looking for

and should i read between the lines
and search for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want

(chorus)
i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
i’m a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you

so could you love this bastard child
though i don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood

(chorus)
because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife

~Derek Webb

Persevere.

Dark.

It’s all strangely grey
This odd state I’m in
Like a wavy orange haze
Why is that ok?

Too complacent in my opinion
Why is it all so peaceful?
An eerie-it’ll all be fine
No real sense of dominion

Some signal, some test
But nothing, just scattered
Stumbling and plunging
To the next thing, still I protest

Good things pour in
But somehow never fill
The grass is always greener
And you may never win

(but maybe that’s a good thing)

~RLR

I will not allow the devil to "gain a foothold".
I WILL persevere through this almost crippling uncertainty.
Have you not yet realized that I am very dramatic?

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith GOODNESS(you know when you get around someone with this goodness-hard to explain); and to goodness, KNOWLEDGE(read some good books-the Bible mainly); and to knowledge, SELF-CONTROL(I shall not get started on this one); and to self-control, PERSEVERANCE(press on!); and to perseverance, GODLINESS (or God-likeness); and to godliness brotherly KINDNESS(just be nice to people-for heavens' sake-literally); and to brotherly kindness, LOVE(nothing else matters except this). For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins."

~2 Peter 1:5-9

Thanks Dave.

Burning.

I just got a facial from a really talented lady, but now my face is on fire and it looks as if I have a really bad sunburn-I also learned (through this special lamp) that I have about 1,000 freckles (hidden) on my face (sun damage). Great. Now I have to go through these torturing treatments to "bring out" all the dirt underneath my skin (thanks Dad for having bad skin!)-JK I love my Dad. Kind of reminds me of how God has to "burn off" some of our "layers" to bring out the dirt that's pent up inside of us-boo, I'm getting both of these "treatments" now, but honestly the "facials" are ALOT easier to go through :o) I am super stoked about the end result though-I know it will be awesome. Here is the website to an awesome woman-she used to be a cosmetic surgeon in China! http://www.skinessenceadayspa.com/aboutus.htm

"The best we can hope for in this life is a knothole peek at the shining realities ahead. Yet a glimpse is enough. It's enough to convince our hearts that whatever sufferings and sorrows currently assail us aren't worthy of comparison to that which waits over the horizon."
~Joni Eareckson Tada

Aimless.

Here I am.
Once again. With.
The heart pounding JOY of anticipation.
For what?
I don’t rightly (or wrongly) know. And.
A vast amount of options. Or. Possibilities.
Are all around me. Like.
Sweet vapors that I so badly want.
To inhale.
Or do I?
Like standing in a deep pool. And trying.
With all my might to RUN.
Like how a puppy acts when it is FIRST.
Placed on a leash. Writhing. Stubborn.
With paws firmly planted.
Oh if you would just walk with Me!
How hard you make this child.
It’s only for your protection.
This restraint.
And how attractive it can be.
These awful sobbing meltdowns.
Are at their closings.
Consistently paired with PEACE.
Terrifying. How much I love. You.
Terrifying is.
A part of Who You Are.
My heart is steadfast.
Oh God.
My heart is steadfast.

~RlR

Crushed.

Crushed...in a very good way. I was in Lifeway the other day and came across this wonderful book. I've only read the first two chapters, but I am already addicted. While reading this book last week, God laid something on me so heavy that I literally felt crushed, actually smashed would be a better word-it was awesome-one of God's many "Faces", I love how He is showing me different aspects of Himself. Seriously, buy this book, it is (already) SO good. I promise you'll like it :o)


~Suffering and the Sovereignty of God. John Piper/Justin Taylor

Kids.

I used to have this major anxiety towards children (of all ages), and then I started getting to know Logan, since then I LOVE kids. Crazy. I LOVE my small group at church, I work with 4/5's, I have about 10 in my group. They are so precious to me. I am honored and humbled that God would even allow me to have an influence in their young lives. I also have a second job that has now added "babysitting" as part of it's "duties" (my boss' girlfriends' children), the girl is 5 and the boy is 7 and they are already pulling at my heart strings (and my first night watching them was tonite). I'm a schmuck. I am blown away at how easily children place their trust in you, wish my trust in God was as easy sometimes :o) Thank You Lord for these precious angels that You've placed in my life-help my impact on them to be like a breath of You.

Today.

Today was darn beautiful. Great God experiences. Great weather. Great company...just great and beautiful, did I mention beautiful. Thank You.

Limin.

Good song. Reminds me of Trinidad-the whole limin thang:o)

Lukewarm.

As some of you may know, I enjoy a healthy challenge now and then. I believe that to be a Christian is a fight, in some way, everyday. I believe that Jesus calls us to not only be His witnesses in this frail world, but to also defend Him at all costs. There are few things on earth that really fire me up-I mean really get my heart pounding, these things are beliefs that I feel down to the raw core of myself. Some of you may know a few, but I would hope that the most evident would be my insatiable love for Jesus. Ok, here’s what’s been irking me lately (almost to the heart pounding point).

I am currently taking my second (and hardest) anatomy and physiology class (thank God this is the last one!). Anyway-we have an online discussion board where we have to post “threads” that can talk about whatever we’re learning at the time or interesting things we find related to the subject. Soooo……this guy in my class posts something called “Your tadpole heritage”-caught my attention. I opened it, knowing it had something to do with evolution and I am used to the many people who believe in it-seeing as it is an anatomy class and evolution comes up frequently. What ticked me off was that after he did his whole discuss on how we once came from tadpoles, he posts this link to a “great website”, check it out http://www.richarddawkins.net/. This Richard guy made me angry because he pretty much slams God all through-out his site and he’s written several anti-God books. I know that you aren’t really supposed to discuss “religion” in class, but if he was going to post his thread on how evolution was FACT, then I needed to add my 2 cents. So I posted some TRUTH for the class, I’m not going to bore you all with our online debate, but I believe I got him thinking as well as some other classmates, I had one come up to me asking what Philippians 2:10-11 was (which was the scripture I posted for him), I thought it was appropriate. All this to say-stand up for God-whatever the cost, yeah this wasn’t something that I really had to suffer for-but if I have to suffer for His Name’s sake-physically, mentally, or emotionally-I will. Don’t “allow” people around you to trash His Name (and this can come in many different forms), we are supposed to be unique, we are supposed to stand out, we aren’t supposed to look and act like the world (and yeah I’m preaching to myself here too), the more I know of Him and the closer I get to Him, the more certain things that I was once “ok” with don’t “sit well with my spirit”, and so they must change.

I love Revelation 3:16 “So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.” I know God wants us to either be on fire for Him or nothing at all. Living boldly for Jesus is no easy feat and it is certainly a risk, but what is life w/out boldness and what is life w/out risk. Lately my whole thing is that I want to do so much for Him and want so badly to do His will that I feel like when I get an idea I just do it and then if He closes the door-I’m perfectly ok w/it, but maybe I should just wait for Him to lead me, but I can’t help it, I’m just excited. He is my greatest Love, no one and nothing can or will ever come before Him (this statement does require Your help God-You know this). Hopefully I will always strive to live my life in the heat. Why? He’s worth it.

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

~Casting Crowns

*Don't get stuck in the middle guys :o)

Love.

This week was very sweet to me, it started last Sunday (March 30) when I got to dress like someone from the 60's for our volunteer fair and dance in a shadow box (don't ask), I was surprised that my rainbow heart necklace made it through Kidcity (our children's' ministry) b/c all of my girls wanted to wear it and it broke twice...anyway. Later that evening I volunteered w/World Vision (awesome guys)at a Casting Crowns concert, they were amazing-very powerful-filled me to the brim w/Jesus. Awesome.
My birthday was on Thursday and I wanted to give a shout out to my room-mate Lauren for making me feel GREAT. She made me a cake the night before, and then when I got up the next morning and opened my door she had like 10 helium balloons scattered through the hall weighted down w/knives and spoons (best part). Then we went downtown and ate at Big Ed's (Yummmmm). That evening I had to go to school :o(, but I kind of had to b/c I have an exam on Tues...sad story. But when I got home her present to me was speakers for my computer (I know this may not be exciting to many, but I was stoked). On Friday me and 7 of my closest pals went and ate sushi at Shiki Sushi in Durham (my fav!), I love sushi-it was a boatload of fun-get it? (see pic below-I know I'm a cheeseball).

(Tarella-the one not smiling-apparently didn't think she was in the pic)

I'm not big on presents, but a creative one I got was from one of my hairstylist friends-Stephanie at my spa-she is a really good cook and she bought me mixing bowls and wrote out some of her original recipes for me on index cards-awwww, love it. I think she was trying to tell me something though! Today I went out w/my fam for yet another birthday dinner-my Dad paints and he made me an AWESOME painting-I will post a pic of it later, and now I have to go study and get ready to go and cook at a friends house-food, food, food! I will be so happy when this exam is over, I can't believe it's already April-where does time go?

Soul.

I dance unprofessionally because I love it.

I write whatever comes to mind and only at certain times because it’s easy.

I love the “natural” in many things, like girls who are beautiful without make-up and guys that have a style that represents their personality because I love what’s REAL.

I enjoy being in tune with every aspect of my body, yoga is a miracle exercise and massage is powerful because it’s what I am anointed to do at this time.

I am grateful for every situation that requires waiting because it teaches me so much and God knows this.

I try to be aware of what exactly I put into my body and mind because whatever you put in eventually seeps out.

I am attracted to passion of all forms because passion is what makes life worth living.

I get mad excited about awesome music (like the song I’m listening to right now-15 step by radiohead) because much of it is talent in its’ truest form.

I dislike being average and have learned not to care too much about what other people think about me because it is a pointless state of mind to be in-really.

I seriously am thoroughly addicted to telling people about how much I love Jesus because I either get the that’s awesome response or the blank stare or dead silence-I embrace it all.

I think that my friends are amazing because I know them for who they really are…human beings-nothing more and nothing less.

I believe that apologizing for showing feeling is like slow death because feeling is truth.

I was created because I am going to get some stuff started in this world-be afraid.

Birth.

Today I am 27. I enjoyed today. The texts, calls, and e-mails were much appreciated. I am thankful that God gave me life.

The cake my Lauren made me.

Overflow.

When the spirit of oppression hits, sometimes it is so smothering, so overwhelming that you just can’t see a way out. It’s then that you’re finite mind calls into question everything you believe, everything you hold to be true in your life. Scary. You want nothing more than to cry, to scream, to give in and up. It’s a fight, a brawl, a constant struggle. Does He even hear you? Does He even care? Is He really “working” in your life or is it somehow just a figment of your imagination, and how vivid that can be. You come to a place where what you are doing is no longer working, what you are doing is no longer fulfilling any one of your desires. It’s then that you realize, you’re lost without Him, you are nothing with out Him. How could you have ever believed that you really needed anything besides Him. How can you possibly come back out of this? Slowly, a random quote here that speaks to you, a random scripture there that moves you, serving someone else, listening to a “perfect” song. It’s Him speaking. It’s Him pulling you back to Him. Your best friend. Your Saviour. The one who’s love never fails, who’s promises remain true. How amazing to be restored, how amazing that You fill my cup to overflowing each and every time. Thank You Jesus.

Awesome.

Thanks LJ!

Want.

I love You Father.
I want to acknowledge that on a continuous basis.
You are my FATHER.
You reign in heaven.
You have created us and the earth, we, Your children, each have a purpose.
I want to seek and see Your Face.
I want others to see You in me.
I want to discover through Your Spirit Your perfect will for my life.
I want to draw closer to You each day.
I want to rely on Your promises.
I want Your will in all of my decisions and blessings.
You have given me so much already.
You've protected me and comforted my heart thus far.
I am worthy of none of it.
I deserve nothing.
But You gave it anyway.
You give it daily.
You lift my head and smile.
I love You.
God, I love You.

"For I am the Lord, I do not change."
~Malachi 3:6

Everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
~Chris Tomlin

Dry.

I feel as if I live my life in a constant state of being almost overwhelmed. To be honest, I think (and my friends have said)this is how I function best. Rarely do I ever like to just sit and do nothing, unless I'm tired or talking w/someone. Working two jobs and going to school is probably going to get the best of me soon, and then I feel guilty when my friends or family ask me to do something and all I really want to do is go to a class at the gym and have someone else tell me what to do so I don't have to think or just sit and watch TV. Sorry I'm venting to whoever reads this, just know you can vent to me too, it's healthy. This whole amazing thing God is working out in my life is unbelievable, I don't fully understand it yet, but I'm open. Sometimes I feel like a horse that's about to start a race and is being held in that little tiny gate and is restless and excited, it's kind of like the more I obey God, the more His plan manifests, like there's so much I want to do for Him and I just don't see how any of it's going to happen, and then I wonder if what I need to be doing is making more of a positive impact on the people around me NOW and not worry about the later. I have plans for my life, but I am ready and willing to change them in an instant if God says to. I am in the midst of a semi-huge decision and all I can really do right now is trust God for the outcome. There are also people in my life that frustrate me beyond belief, but I still have to love them, I have to remember that representing Christ is of utmost importance, especially in these uncertain times. And speaking of uncertain times, I really (deep down in my soul) don't think that we have a whole lot of time left on this earth, I feel like this "training ground" God has placed us on is fading fast. The only thing that matters is His will for our individual lives, I know He wants us to enjoy our lives, but there comes a point (and I am speaking for myself and current situations)when we have to accept that what has happened in the past is done, it's gone, it's unhealthy to dwell on it, what is important is every day from here on out that God grants us-what we do w/it, who we impact, the love we share. Sigh.........I'm going to bed.

Smile.

I needed these :o)

Opportunities.

I know this is technically the 22nd, but I wanted to post these before I spend all day w/the fam tomorrow! I have been introduced to an amazing church through two friends from work, I spent New Year's Eve there this year, and have been attending a 7am prayer meeting each sat morning for about a month or so, it's open to anyone who is available and has really been changing my life. Hope is my home, but I love this prayer meeting and I love their pastor, the church is called Raleigh International Church (see my link sect), I just wanted to give them props, I'm so blessed to see who God places in leadership, so many amazing men and women-I'm so blessed to know them.

I also wanted to say that I recently started sponsoring a child through world vision (see link) and am able to write to him and hopefully he will write back to me! I'm excited about it, I know people get sketched out about "if the money really goes to these kids", but I'm giving this money from my heart to God, and I trust Him w/it!

Confused.

Let’s start this blog off with a BANG!

Joyce Meyer believes that the mind is a battlefield, I concur. Let me elaborate: there are areas in my life, that when pondered, cause my brain to feel muddled. I also know that God is not the author of confusion, so like a good Christian, I politely asked God “what the deal is” regarding these areas. I begged. I pleaded. I even waited (a great concept). And…I got nothing. This prompted me to implore alternative methods of figuring out God’s “answer”. As a Christian I usually only have 5 clear routes (not in order of importance):
1.) The classic, “what would Jesus do?,” how would He handle this situation?
2.) Extensive Biblical/Christian literature “research” (and yes the whole closing your eyes and flipping open your Bible to point to THE verse that will speak to you counts) :o)
3.) Praying and waiting and trying to do nothing and trying to just forget about it and…..never mind.
4.) Seeking “wise” counsel from fellow Christian friends or even scarier…
5.) Doing my own thing.
There are other methods but I didn’t think screaming and crying and throwing a hissy fit deserved a category, so… after dabbling a little in each of these profound methods, I chose route #2 (although it really wasn’t very extensive). The “answer” actually came pretty quickly (a rare occurrence); I referenced a scripture I had come across in one of my favorite books by Joyce called “The Secret Power of Speaking God’s Word” (go buy it, ASAP!):

“I cast the whole of my care [all of my anxieties, all my worries, all my concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for me affectionately and cares about me watchfully.”~1 Peter 5:7

Simple as that, when you don’t know the answer-cast it ALL on Him-trust me He can handle it. For me it’s just hard transferring it from my head, to my life. Giving it ALL to God and asking forgiveness and forgetting the mistakes and the sin- the forgetting part gets me every time. But I have experienced true healing and TRUST me-this takes time, lots of time and prayer. We all go through life and encounter all kinds of very different experiences-it’s what makes us individuals, it’s what God uses to shape our character and help others, even the mistakes we make and the sin we fall into are used by God (hopefully we learn from these experiences and move on!). I think the key to living is learning (from God of course) and struggling and becoming stronger and struggling some more and becoming even stronger and living each day as a day that is fresh and beautiful and God given. It’s letting go of your past, but never forgetting it completely-relying on it at times to remember that, as Joyce says, “you’re not where you want to be, but thank God you’re not where you used to be!”-love it. She rocks my world-literally.

I don’t know-I just want to say that I am ALL in-it’s just the beginning for me-I don’t know where else I can go except up, I’ve given my life to God-I will give it up for Him and in service to Him-the most important thing on earth to me is to share God’s Love and sweet salvation, this life is just a glimpse, just a “training ground” for what He has in store for us, man I’m excited. If God says jump, I say how high, if He says go, I say where to, when He says trust Me, I will.

Okay…so it wasn’t a BANG, but it was definitely a POP right? :o) Love you guys.

He died, He rose…give praise where praise is due-Happy Easter-Love You Jesus.
YOU are my everything.


"Because He lives,

I can face tomorrow,

Because He lives, all fear is gone;

Because I know He holds the future,

And life is worth the living,

Just because He lives!"


William J. Gaither© 1971
Mattew 28:6